Wait for hope to appear.
It was July 13th. It was the night before the morning I was going to take a pregnancy test.
I had weaned my son from breastfeeding on April 5, 2017 when he was 15 months old. We would have kept nursing but I was ready for the next baby.
Tomorrow was the day I would take the test and wasn't confident we were pregnant, but I was hopeful. But before I could even reach that point in time, before bed that evening, I got my period. And I felt my dreams crash.
This was my 3rd cycle since weaning my son. I realize that's not a long time in comparison to what some women go through but each period that arrives means another month to await the possible expectation of a baby.
I crawled up into the bed by my husband and cried while he comforted me. I was sad. I needed to feel the emotions. Part of me wanted to question God, "Why?" but that question is pointless. It isn't productive. I needed to grieve for a moment and that was purely it. And I prayed and I told God that I will trust in Him.
The next morning, my pregnancy test sat, unopened. I set my alarm for 5:40am (snoozed it for 10 minutes) and then put on my sneakers and went for an early morning jog while the rest of the house slept. I put on the song, "Do it Again" by Elevation Worship and cried as I ran. Halfway through the song, I stopped and looked into the sky for a moment before heading back in the direction of home. This time, I was smiling. I soaked in the words of the song and sang them as a prayer to God.
Here are the lyrics to the song:
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet
I know the night won't last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
And You never failed me yet
I never will forget
You never failed me yet
I never will forget
I wasn't going to stay in that place of despair. I'm going to choose joy and know that God is so faithful. He has a plan and a purpose and He will never fail me.
I read in Lamentations that morning from the Message Bible (Chapter 3, Verse 19-30):
I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.
Whatever you are going through today, family relationships, maybe your 18th try at getting pregnant, a death of a friend, turmoil at work, whatever it is, know that GOD IS FOR YOU. And your hope is in Him.
Do not be despaired.
Wait for hope to appear.