Vasectomy Reversal.
When we first got married, my husband wanted 2-3 kids. And I wanted to never stop having kids. I imagined myself just continuing having kids until i couldn’t anymore. I think my number when telling people in those earlier years was always around 12.
As the years went on and we continued to make babies every 2 years or so, obviously the chaos intensifies a little. And so does the joy. But Seborn’s threshold for overwhelm is a little less than mine. And he was nearing the end of his rope. He was ready to move past the diaper stage of life and turn to the next chapter of our book.
I knew that he was wanting to be done having kids but I couldn’t imagine it actually becoming a reality. We spent the first 10 years of our marriage building our family and it’s been the most incredible experience growing and raising these humans that we get to call ours. You never hear people say once they are older, “Dang, I really wish we wouldn’t have had that last kid.” NO! Most people say, “I wish we would have just had another kid when we were younger.” The regrets normally lie in not having more children. Even in those crazy chaotic years of babies and toddlers .
I didn’t know how Seborn would ever really halt our ability to get pregnant because I am quite fertile and our cycle has been consistent for 10 years. Get pregnant, breastfeed for about a year, get my period back, get pregnant again within 2-4 months.
And then, he started talking about a vasectomy. I didn’t think he would actually ever go through with it though. Maybe because I knew how he knew how much I wanted to continue having kids and of course, he would sacrifice everything for MY desires, right? As I began noticing his urge to truly be done having kids, I shared my heart with him and told him that I would just hope he could give me 7 babies. If he did that, I would try my best not to spend the rest of my life wanting more.
7 is just my number. It’s my favorite number. It’s the biblical number for completion. It’s also my enneagram type so it just all feels right. And I know people think that’s an add number to land on but I would just keep going if I could so it seemed like the place to settle with a compromise of both our desires. Some people know they want none, 1, 2 or 3 children. So, why can’t 7 be my number?
After we had our 6th baby, Arrow, my husband really started researching vasectemies more and before I even knew what was happening, he had booked an appointment for it. It was about October of 2018 (Arrow was born April 28, 2018.) I expressed to him how this was not what I wanted but I knew that there was no changing his mind. He was determined and nothing was going to sway him. He was done. I had to accept that. Truth be told, he DID give me 6 kids when he initially only wanted 2-3 but of course, he is so grateful for the precious gem of kids we have. And I just keep thinking that each additional child we have will be become a precious part of our family that we could never imagine life without.
I was quite sad the day of his appointment. I also did not feel bad for him one bit during his few days of recovery. Neither did the kids, ha! They were aware of what was going on and they were all bummed too as they wanted more siblings.
But I also knew that I didn’t want to hold resentment against Seborn because of his decision. I didn’t want to cause damage to our marriage by holding bitterness towards him. So many of his decisions in life are all made in the benefit of myself and our kids. Seebz is a very self-less man. Who was I to tell him this one decision he made for himself absolutely crushed me. I tried to convince myself of the good things he was looking forward to. Like no more sleepless nights and no more diapers and more freedom in traveling and doing some of the things we wanted in life. But, those actually were not as of much value to me than having more kids. And I LOVE the stages of new life. I love being pregnant, I love having a newborn and i love the growing stages of that little one. To me, it’s magical and memorable and I’m just not one of those people who will ever feel “done.” I think I will always want more.
I began putting a whole lot of hope in a miraculous pregnancy. I have heard of so many women getting pregnant after their husbands had vasectomies (granted, they were most couples who had made the decision together in agreement of being done having kids) but eventually discovered that “surprise” baby was the best blessing of their lives. I figured, I would just be that woman. I would get miraculously pregnant and all would we well. Truth is, that scenario would leave me excited but struggling with the confusion and frustration that Seborn would undoubtedly feel.
I shared this hope of mine with my mom. She told me that after she had her last baby, my dad had a vasectomy as well and for years, she hoped she would miraculously get pregnant too. But she never did. And it was that moment that I realized I was grasping onto false hope. There was nothing tangible or worthwhile for me to hold onto there.
I began to shift my prayers.
Instead of hoping into “some miracle, “ I began asking God to be the one leading us. I asked Holy Spirit to help change Seborn’s heart. I asked God to align both of our hearts in the matter if He wanted us to have more kids. My cry to God was for a full transformation and unity in both Seborn and my heart, mind, and marriage.
I would think on this often and pray when I remembered but didn’t obsess about it. And in the process, I wanted to be really intentional not to hold resentment against Seborn. I wanted to uphold our marriage and respect and honor him even though I was in a way, hurt by his decision. Realistically though, I know I had some subconcious resentment and bitterness I had been harboring. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t put that on him but that I learned to heal through it. Every once in a while, we would “joke” about how he stopped short on giving me my 7 kids but I really didn’t want to enter into actual arguments about it.
At this point in the story, you might find yourself in one of two places:
Feeling my pain and understanding my heart in wanting more kids and needing to process the reality that I would never experience pregnancy again and to grow our family.
Thinking I am quite the selfish person because Seebz has already given so much and how dare I demand more of him.
But let me clear the air, this isn’t a him against her thing. This is not supposed to be a verses match. This is simply our story and through it, sharing our feelings in the hopes that it encourages someone who may have or will experience something similiar. Please bare with me in the sharing of this. Resist the urge to compare our story to anyone else. Or make judgements about me “being grateful for what I already have” (more on that later.) Just take this story for what it is, 2 people in a happy + loving marriage navigating the decisions for their life and seeing how that unfolds when surrendering those desires to the Lord.
In this season, I’m simply living life, chasing dreams, seeking the Lord and quietly praying for Him to reveal in our hearts what He has for us next.
One really random evening, (maybe in March of 2020 sometime) Seebz and I were watching a show together before bed and he mentioned something about possibly maybe being open to getting a vasectomy reversal and I was freaking out inside but kept it super calm and collected on the outside. I was like, “Hmm… oh, really? I see.” And then moved on but inside i was screaming and smiling and shocked. But the context of the conversation didn’t lead me to believe it was a reality but just something he said in passing but didn’t have much validity to it.
But it did lead me to pray more fervently about the matter. And to keep my heart in a good place about.
One morning, one of my friends got some bad news. She has been trying to conceive for years now and woke up to another negative pregnancy test. My heart hurt so bad for her, as it does for the thousands of women who experience the same thing. It’s crushing. I was sharing with my husband about my friends situation and he said, “See, doesn’t hearing those stories just make you grateful for what you have and not needing any more kids?”
And I said, “Hearing those stories makes me so grateful for what I have. With both my children AND my fertility. Being able to conceive a baby is such a gift and i never want to take it for granted. I want to take full advantage of it because I know so many women don’t even have that option.”
Now, let’s move to Mother’s Day 2020. (October of this year would be 2 years of Seebz getting his vasectomy.) It was such a wonderful mother’s day filled with tears and laughter and emotions and joy. My heart was full. Upon putting the kids to bed, Seebz and I found ourselves standing in our office together. What happened next, I can never imagine actually happening. Except for the fact that I was praying for it. But, for some reason, the fact that it happened is still being processed in my mind.
Seborn told me he has one more gift for me and that he was originally going to give it to me on our anniversary in June but decided to now. He said to me, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. In fact, I made the decision a month ago already. I was going to surprise you and already have it done but turns out its a longer process than I thought. But, I made the decision to get a vasectomy reversal.”
I was floored. I was in shock and disbelief. Was he joking? (What a cruel joke, if so.) But no, he was serious. I instantly just started sobbing and almost feel like I fell into his arms. I couldn’t even believe it. Was this real life?
THIS IS AN ANSWERED PRAYER. I didn’t have to pressure and shame him for wanting what I wanted. I needed to surrender and wait on the Lord and the let the Holy Spirit do his work in both of our hearts to align to His will. And here I was standing in this beautiful agreement with my husband. He made the decision. Yes, because he knows its so much of what myself AND our children want, but also because of piece of him wants that too.
He had apparently already been doing a lot of research about the success rate of the procedure and the time frame. He was going to go get it all done but it’s way more intense than a vasectomy and he will need to be driven home from the procedure, have 3 days of healing time and a full 21 days of healing before we try to conceive. Which is why he wouldn’t be able to surprise me with that but told me on mother’s day, which may have made it one of the best mother’s day to date.
The next day, he filled out the online form and made the deposit. 2 days later, he got the call and set the date for Thursday, May 21st. Which is where we find ourselves. Here. In a place where we are growing our family once again after I thought it would never again be our reality. I never even talked about it much. Didn’t want to put him on blast for getting a vasectomy when we weren’t in agreement about it. (And he is way more private than me but don’t worry, he approved this message to be shared.) But, when people would ask if we were having more, I would just say that we were done but not go into many details.
God worked a miracle here, in my eyes. He does it over and over again. I don’t know why I expect anything less from Him. He is a miracle working God and he answers prayers in His timing and with His purpose. And all those unanswered prayers are for his plans and purpose too.
So many things I’ve been realizing in this journey as I start adding names I like to the baby names note section in my phone. That we get to have another round of firsts. Telling the kids we are pregnant. Finding out the gender. Welcoming a new baby into the family. (And then I realized I’ve been giving away all our baby stuff as soon as Arrow had out-grown them, so there’s that.) But, we have plenty of time to figure that all out.
Seborn + I told the kids the news last week and they were all so excited they could barely contain themselves! They’ve prided themselves on “convincing daddy” of things that he always says “NEVER” to. Like homeschooling, downsizing, travelling on an RV, getting a dog, and then getting kittens so this was another thing to add to the list that daddy does out of pure love for his family. And now we are adding more love to the crew.
Cheers to the next chapter of our story. I’m sorry it involves a good amount of physical pain for you Seebz, but I am forever grateful for the man that you are, how selfless you are, and how you let God lead our lives. You are remarkable and I cannot wait to make another baby with you. They are so blessed to call you daddy!
