Struggle with Anxiety.

It was 2016. Eventually, I became aware that something was wrong. I had lived my entire life not experiencing any sort of anxiety or severe emotional distress but in 2016, things changed. I still know the root of what happened but because it involves other people, I want to be respectful and protective of what unfolded and not get too specific on what triggered the onset of anxiety in my life.

The facts are that I experienced some situations with people very close to me. I hurt them. They hurt me and there was separation in our relationships and somehow, my body took an emotional toll in physical form. At first, I had no clue what was going on. I would panic easily. Or some days, just blankly stare at the wall for extended periods of time. Other days, my heart would beat fast, I would get sweaty and I would begin to not be able to breath properly. Sometimes, something would trigger it and other times, it would hit me out of nowhere.

I did not know or understand what was happening to me but it continued on for months on end. My husband was concerned and would ask me, “What’s wrong? When am I going to get my joyful Meg back?” And I would just shrug my shoulders and say I didn’t know.

It was only until I saw no improvement for many months that I decided to pull out the good ol’ google. I typed in some of the “symptoms” I was experiencing just to see if something would come up that would give me a little direction into ways I could support my body. Because truth is, I was at my wits end. I could NOT live life like this anymore. I refused. I was miserable and I was confused and I didn’t know when the waves of fear and worry would hit me. I didn’t know when I would lose my breath and wonder how I would calm my nerves and heart rate down. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was mega irritable and had crazy fatigue as well.

I was not operating at the level of the mother and wife I wanted to be. And I knew I just couldn’t keep living like this. So, yes, I googled my symptoms to see if anything would pop up. And once I typed in a few things together like “heart racing + distracted + hard time breathing” all the search results were pretty evident. What I had been experiencing in physical stemming from emotional issues was anxiety. And it was the first time my eyes were opened to what other people had been living like. And it hit me like a tons of bricks. Because I never in my life had experienced this shortness of breath that would quite literally take me off my feet. I never had experienced a flood of worry that would make my chest tighten up.

I remember teaching an oil class one day. And there was nothing that particularly triggered it but in the middle of the class, I had an anxiety attack. I needed to excuse myself and I went to my room and shut the door and fell to the floor. I could barely catch my breath and I tried as hard as i could to calm my nerves and slow my breathing. Gasping for air and just praying for a normal paced and peaceful inhale and exhale. I had no idea why it hit me at that time and in that setting. But maybe that’s the thing about anxiety, we don’t know the layers that are underneath it all and what can cause any one of its ugly symptoms.

So now, I had a face to it. There as a an actual diagnosis… a label for what I had. And yet, no part of me wanted to claim this as my own. Anxiety wasn’t me. I didn’t even want to allow it to be a small section of me. I refused to claim it is an “my anxiety.” I’m a big believer in how our words affect our lives and I knew God did not create me to live a life with anxiety. And in some ways, our culture has put this prize on anxiety. Like it is a trophy we can carry around. By no means should we ashamed for what we are experiencing but we grasp on to this label as if it is an identifying factor to the core of our being. We somewhat take pride in it. And I wasn’t going to accept that for my life.

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

I am not meant to carry this burden. I am meant to cast it to Him. To surrender and give to him this load.

Philippians 4:6-7  (NIV)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

We are not meant to live in anxiousness. And for myself, personally, it was no quality of life i was willing to accept. Some people are okay with wearing that badge, but I was ready to move forward in freedom and release the bondage of anxiety in my life. And so began my journey to healing…