1 year.

I found it hard to sit down and write this blog. Not knowing if I would ever even share it. Do I write for others? Or do I write it for myself?

Truth is, there are endless pages of illegible scribbles lining my journals. I’ve done a lot of writing for me. I want to write this piece for others. But I also know, that will look different. Because really, I’m not even ready to share everything yet. Or maybe I never will be. Only God and my husband know some of the things that are even hard for me to utter outloud without tears falling from my eyes.

And for that reason, I just haven’t been ready. But I want to share now for those that might need to hear this. I’m sharing so someone might feel a little less alone.

On November 27, 2021 I celebrated 1 year of not drinking. Not even a sip. And for me, this was a big deal. This was reason to celebrate.

I NEVER would have imagined myself someone who would be celebrating this. I never imagined myself someone who would need to abstain from drinking. Until I was. Until one day, I realized that I was no longer in control. It was a slow fade. Years and years of social drinking and casual drinking and not having any issues with drinking alcohol at all. And for some reason, along the road of time, it grew. My desire to drink. My thoughts about drinking consuming me. The amount of alcohol I was able to consume. It just continued to expand.

It wasn’t really “fun” anymore. It was more of necessity. And in about a 3 year time span, I went from a very casual drinker who enjoyed wine tastings and dates to the local brewery with my husband to someone whose full time job was hiding my obsession for alcohol.

At this point in time, I’m actually not quite ready to share some of the stories and the depth of what I was going through. I am still filled with pieces of shame and regret and embarrassment around it. One day, maybe I can bring myself to express through stories because there is victory and triumph and Jesus saved me, yet again. There is so much good. I just never imagined myself here. I was never the person who had a problem, until I did. And I’m still working on healing through my slow fade into what I had become.

This may have to be multiple parts because so much of my stopping drinking was hindered because (especially as an enneagram 7), i didn’t want to be labeled as no fun because I stopped drinking. I actually didn’t/don’t want many people to know. I would rather drink water out of a solo cup and make everyone else think that I was drinking with them to uphold the label of the “the fun one.” Until I needed to release that. Because I knew there was more to life waiting for me on the other side of soberness.

Ugh. I don’t even know how I feel about that word yet. Sober. It’s just so weird to me still that I ended up experiencing this in life. That i made those choices. It’s been good yall. It’s been a freakin’ good year of no drinking. And also, super hard. I thought I would notice drastic changes physically and mentally and emotionally immmedatly. But I didn’t. At all. It’s been such a slow process of healing. And because I’m not numbing my emotions constantly anymore, I am realizing so many other parts of me that need a little extra love and attention too. (more on that later.)

I have gone to so many events where alcohol is served (many where FREE alcohol was served which was always my jam) and I have had such a good time NOT drinking. Fully embracing everyone who is drinking around me and not feeling like I am missing out one bit. I love being completely mentally present. That has been a joy.

I tried over and over again to quit once I realized I had an issue with it. That I wasn’t living my best life because of it. I tried so many different ways. I tried going cold turkey. To wean off gradually. Nothing stuck. And I was doing it all alone. I was way too full of shame to tell anyone what was going on. I knew I needed help but I was determined to get it under control. Just me and Jesus. And He is so faithful and helped walk me through it.

I had gotten freakishly good at hiding my problem from my husband. Really good. I got really good at fibbing but really it was just super covert lies. And when I started to realize how much of a landslide i was going down and too prideful to tell anyone about it, I went to Instagram. (I know it sounds kinda weird but it was helpful.) I searched hashtags and followed accounts of once drinkers turned sober. I read their words, listened to their stories and realized how less alone i was. Their stories were exactly the encouragment to need to move forward and make better choices for my life.

Which is why i am sharing now. Because I got a little boost of hope from people on the internet. And maybe sharing pieces of my story will help someone else too. I never would have thought it my wildest dreams that this is where I would have found myself. On a destructive path at age 30 that would escalate slowly (yet somehow, rapidly) in just 3 years. And that I would be celebrating a year sober at age 34.

My final day drinking happened to be Thanksgiving of last year (2020). I was recovering from a 2 day hangover (from a random Tuesday night at home, mind you.) I was at my parents house and couldn’t even take a sip of my dads homemade beer (which is next level tasty if youve never had a home brew before.) I wasn’t myself that day. I wasn’t able to give of myself how I wanted to my family on a day we should be living in gratitude. And I knew I was missing out on that most days.

That was the day I decided. I needed to be done. I needed to change my life around. I went cold turkey from drinking. I had made it an entire month with no drinking and was so happy with that progress because I had never made it that long without drinking once I realized I had a problem.

On the evening of Christmas day, on the drive home from my parents house, I confessed everything to my husband. I poured out my heart through sobbing tears and told him everything. He was so grace-filled, so loving and so supportive. I cried so hard and so long and once we got home, he just wrapped his arms around me and loved me well, holding me as I cried. He had no idea I had been struggling as bad as I was, because again, I had made it my full-time job to hide it from him. So, as much as he didn’t know…. he knew. His spirit knew something was wrong but I kept denying it anytime he would even hint to something. I would divert his attention and convince him that everything was perfectly fine.

Now, it’s been a year and I got to celebrate Thanksgiving alcohol free (and love on family members who did drink alcohol, because I have zero problem being around it.) It’s a beautiful place to be to recognize that others can be great with it but personally for me, it had become an issue and I need to refrain alltogether. I am a better person without alcohol. And I get to walk into Christmas with no alchohol. And that is freeing and good.

I still look back on certain pictures in my camera roll and it brings me back to that certain day. I can place myself back into the scenes where I drank too much, or drank too early, or had a hangover the next day. And how much of my life it robbed from me. I look at those pictures and cringe a little and get tempted to delete them all (seemingly very normal pictures where NO ONE else would have known I was tipsy/drunk/drank too much.) But I know. And as much as I cringe, I also smile because God brought me OUT OF IT.

I had always been the one defining drinking as a Christian. It’s okay, Jesus turned water into wine. It says we can drink without getting drunk. So, all those years prior, I just never got drunk. I was responsible with my social drinking. I knew how much water to drink in conjunction with the alcohol to not get drunk or dehydrated. And that slow fade created a blur for it all. My tolerance crew over those 3 years and I didn’t know my limits anymore because it kept getting more and more. I have a different perspective on it all now. Part of me is sad because I feel I may have let so many people down with this truth. But prayer is that this is actually hope for others in this story. That God is always faithful and our true Savior. He once again swept me off my feet and rescued me and He will do the same for you.

Here is part of my story. Available for everyone to see. If this is something you struggle with and you didn’t know where to go for help, I’m here. You can talk to me and I will pray with and for you. You are not alone. And your story is not absurd or unlikely. But you have people who care enough to see you live freely from chains. Walk towards that.